I’ve realized lately that if I lay down in a certain position for too long, I have a really difficult time getting up. I’ve noticed that some of the lingo my children are using, I don’t understand. I’m starting to DREAD shopping (And I NEVER thought that would happen!). I look forward to the weekends because I can go to bed early and maybe sleep in a little in the morning. When did I get old???
I used to look forward to the endless weekend possibilities. I used to be able to lay in any position I wanted and spring right up. I used to LIVE for shopping! I find myself wondering, what else has changed?
I’ve found wrinkles in places I’ve never thought I’d get them. I’ve noticed a few (and I mean a VERY FEW) grey hairs! The thought of getting a babysitter and going out for a few drinks on the weekend makes me cringe at the thought of a wicked hangover the next morning. When did this start??
But the very worst thing I’ve noticed is the realization that the older I get, the older everyone else gets! It never REALLY occurred to me… I mean, I knew it, but I hadn’t REALLY thought about it. Now it scares the living shit out of me. I’ve lost so many loved ones, and those wounds just keep getting deeper. I’m literally TERRIFIED of losing another loved one. I can’t even think about it because my heart already hurts just by the thought. Now, I’m not stupid, I know how life works… You’re born, you grow up, you get old, and you are taken back to Heaven where you started your journey, it’s the circle of life. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Sometimes I wish that I could just freeze time. Nobody ages, nobody leaves this earthly plane. But then I think to myself, for every life taken, one is born again, and so on and so on… I guess it’s just something that I’m going to have to learn to accept. Every year that goes by, and every time a loved one passes away, a piece of my heart goes with them… Will I still have my heart when it’s my turn to pass away? Is this the reason that there are some really cranky elderly out there? Will I become one of them? Or will I be the type of elderly that is sweet, warm, and inviting, not bitter and angry at the world. Only time will tell. And time has started to become my enemy.
Yes, I know that time can be a blessing as well. I get to watch my daughters grow and mature, graduate high school, go on to college, and have a family of their own someday. I get to be a grandmother someday (NOT SOON!) LOL. Those things are what keeps people looking forward to the future, not holding onto the past with dear life.
Now, looking at both ends of the aspect of getting older, there is much to be excited about, but I still have that fear. And the fear of the unknown. I always have the “what if’s” running through my mind. I want to keep everyone in a bubble of safety. But the truth of the matter is that I simply can not. I just have to have faith. Faith that my loved ones will make smart decisions, keep themselves safe, and always be careful. Because the truth of the matter is that one never knows what will happen on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I feel like an old paranoid woman, and I’m only 35! I don’t even want to think about what my thought process will be like when I’m 45, 55, 65, and so on… If I even make it to 65… I just don’t know. And the unknown is a terrifying thing. I feel like the mother in the movie “The Croods”! “Always be afraid, don’t get curious, survive”, that’s their motto. But that’s not really LIVING, that’s just surviving. And who wants a life like that? I know that I surely don’t.
So I guess I’m getting OLDER….Not quite OLD yet. I’m going to do my best to try to always think positively, suck up every minute of every day, enjoy the little things, LOVE with all that I have and all that I am, and just keep swimming. That’s life, right?